Something Good :o)

Working

This blog is not really working for me.  Our lives had done such a 180, 360 whatever you want to call it and i feel like this blog is full of doom and gloom and various states of depression and anxiety and I feel like I need a fresh start.  A blog that is about the way we are living now and what we are learning. Watch this space!

I'll be back

Hello blog I'll be back later when i have uploaded photo's to let you all know the big changes that are happening in the ever after house hold!

Scared

Overwhelmed, Scared, Anxious, Stressed, Worried, Judged, Drowning, Unfulfilled, these are some of the words to describe how i am feeling at the moment.  Just breathing is an effort, just getting out of bed in the morning fills me with dread of what is to come.  I can hear the arguing before I get up and I just think,
'Why?  Why does it always have to be like this?'.  I just want everything to be calm, I just want everyone to stop and get along.  I just want Bee to stop being to confrontational all that time and realize that we are not trying to upset him, that we are just trying to get him to listen and do as we ask.  Just once, I wish I felt like I was in charge in my own house instead of a 6 year old boy, who our pshyciatrist describes as a terrorist and that is exactly what he is.  I had an anxiety attack on Thursday night, It was horrible, I hate them with a passion.  My first one in almost 6 years.

I'm sorry in advance if you read this, I just have no one else to talk to.

xx F

Long road

I think i have a long road ahead of me.  I am fighting a lot of firm held beliefs about myself.  Feeling very tired and very unsure and unable to head in a better direction.   I want to don't get me wrong, but I truly feel like I'm stuck or more like I'm sinking in quicksand.  Hoping that seeing my psychiatrist will help me pull myself out.  Doom and gloom again.  I really wish i could be positive and I apologise if I am making you feel depressed!  Wish i could be more like some of the blogs i read!  Kind of a pointless post but a post none the less!  Just to clarify she doesn't think I am depressed just very very anxious.

Forward

Yesterday I did it, I sent away my application for the Diploma in digital photography.  I am excited and nervous all at the same time,  I hope I can do it.  It would mean so much to me if I can.  Our psychiatrist recommended that I do a course so that I can build up my self-esteem, as growing up and through previous relationships I have been told that I am stupid.  I am doing it through SIT so it means my only cost is text books and a new camera ( which I have been wanting for quite some time!).

So I am moving forwards and I am hoping that I am moving into a more positive future, finally figuring out who I am and what is really important to me.  Interesting times ahead!

xx

Psychiatrist

I am going to be seeing a psychiatrist, I know I need this and the psychiatrist we are seeing for Bee is the one who organised it.  I will be going next week. I am hoping that she will be able to help me to tame my irrational fears and thoughts.  Like I feel like I am wasting my babies childhood.  I feel like I am not doing enough and that I am wasting it.  He will be starting school in October and I am scared.  I don't want him to.  Ok rant over.  Wish me luck!